Understanding and Moving Through Grief
I have lost several members of my family in the past 4 years. It seems like every time I get to a place where I start to feel better, another family member dies. Sometimes I feel like completely shutting myself off from the world. I feel so helpless and empty. There are days that I now just stay in bed all day and don’t talk to anyone or do anything. Nothing I try seems to be helping. Can you help me?
J.S. Seattle, WA.
The death of a loved one is one of the most severe traumas we face in life, and multiple deaths often compound the grieving process. The sense of loss and grief which follows death is not a sign of weakness, but a healthy and fitting response – a tribute to one loved and lost to death.
Surviving the feelings of sadness and loss is a process that is normal and involves both emotional and behavioral reactions. The process of grieving takes us through the initial shock and sadness of our loss, through understanding and acceptance of the loss, and finally to the rebuilding of our lives after loss.
There are many ways in which people react and learn to adjust to the death of a loved one. Emotional reactions may include a preoccupation with the image of the deceased, feelings of guilt, depression and intense sadness, anger at the deceased for dying, a sense of emptiness, and fearfulness.
Physical reactions may include sleep or appetite disturbances, nightmares and dreams about the deceased, fatigue and lack of energy, as well as increased susceptibility to illness and lowered immune system response.Running away from grief postpones sorrow. Clinging to grief prolongs pain. Grief cannot be bypassed or hurried. It must be allowed to happen. Factors that may interfere with our grieving process include:
- Avoiding or hiding our emotions
- Using alcohol or other drugs to mask the grief
- Self-isolation – avoiding people and places
- Inconsistent sleep behaviors – too much sleep or too little sleep
- Over activity – trying to do too much too soon
- Unresolved grief from a previous loss(es)
The progress through grief is slow and often difficult. It’s often been described as “one step forward and two steps back.” Grief often changes a person and may cause some short-term or long-term alterations in relationships with family and friends. Seldom does a person enter one side of grief and come out the other side the same as before the loss.
One of the key elements of healthy grieving is allowing emotions to surface in order to work through them. When ignored, grief causes pain that is so excruciating that many people seek to numb it or escape from it through alcohol, medications or other means. But in blocking the grieving process, one blocks the natural return to interest and meaning in life that follows death. Letting go and surrendering to the grieving experience, with the help of others, will help bring comfort and solace.
Consider the following tasks as a healthy part of mourning:
- Give yourself some quiet time to process the loss
- Talk about your loved one to others
- Take the time to seek comfort from friends who will listen
- Be as open as you can about your feelings – cry if you need to
- Express your anger or sense of unfairness you might be feeling
- Start writing in a journal or diary – this is a good place to say “goodbye”
- Do things to honor and remember your loved one(s)
- Resting your body will help your emotional recovery
- Exercise is important in helping to sustain your energy
- Take time to eat nutritious meals – incorporate a healthy/well-balanced diet
Social support is important. Parents, family and friends can often be helpful by providing an outlet for expressing our feelings. It is important to have an outlet for sharing grief, even for people who aren’t usually comfortable talking about their feelings. Humans are social creatures and knowing that others know and understand will often make us feel better, less alone in our pain.
If moving through grieving is too difficult, contact a professional counselor who can help resolve some of these issues of grief and loss. Mental health and counseling agencies, as well as private professional therapists and counselors, are important resources and many offer both individual and group therapies.
The reality of the situation may lead us to think that we are alone in our grief, but we are not. Others who have felt what we are feeling now stand ready to help. Remember that it is up to the individual to work through the grieving process. Others can only provide support.
Many of us discover that there is hope after death and loss. It is possible to recover from grief with new strengths and a new direction. By acting on our grief and processing our emotions and feelings in healthy ways, we eventually find peace and purpose.
Dr. Wayne C. Dees
